if only

If only this embarrassment could be replaced by entitlement
that I might feel comfortable with my own neediness

If only my mind could shed the shackles of shame and self-judgment
and give me permission to be emotional

If only the past would stop chasing me and the future stop enticing me
long enough for me to be in the moment

If only doubt would stop banging on the door of my heart
that I might open it and let in some fresh air

If only I could stop trying to please him in every way
and support instead my own indecision

If only my depth made me more fun, more simple, easier to get along with
that I might stop living in isolation

If only running away really did get me somewhere
and falling in love didn’t stop me from going

If only he knew what it was like to be me
that I might stop trying so hard to be someone else

If only this were all a dream and I could wake up
like the Buddha
in the blink of an eye
that I might see the truth and the truth might set me free

if only